Monday, January 10, 2011

Your New Year's Resolutions

I’ll probably be accused of ‘lazy journalism’ for this, but I’d like to write about New Year’s resolutions. ‘Tis the season for self-improvement, after all. But my personal resolutions this year are fairly obvious, not to mention boring. And since I love to judge others (people are constantly crying out for leadership), I thought I’d make a list of New Year’s resolutions for everyone else. Now, dear reader, many of these resolutions may not be for you, but I think we can all agree that someone out there is in dire need of them.

1) No more facebook love notes. I can’t think of anything more juvenile (okay, I probably can) than telling your snookums you love them 4 times a day via facebook. Especially if you’re married, and everyone knows this. We all assume you love each other, so there’s really no need for your saccharine posts clogging up my news feed.

2) Stop using the word loan as a verb. This is something that drives me up the wall, even though it has become somewhat acceptable. There is really no need for it, though, because there is already a verb to describe the action of giving a loan: to lend. NB: I feel the same about the idiotic word ‘utilize’. We already have the verb ‘to use’, and the expression ‘to make use of’. Who was the dumbass that came up with the idea to verb-ize all these nouns??? (I can’t believe I just wrote ‘verb-ize’.)

3) Just give up your seat already! I can’t tell you how many times, on the bus or on the tube, I’ve seen an elderly person forced to stand just because all the ‘priority seating’ is taken up (usually by other elderly people/pregnant women). Just because you’re not required by law to give up your seat in the back doesn’t mean it’s not still common courtesy to do so. – And yes, I do give up my seat, unless I am already standing.

4) I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: please stop referring to yourself as a pet-parent. Also, the word ‘furbabies’ sounds really creepy.

5) Put some thought into naming your kid.

6) Don’t watch Fox News. Ever. It’s not news, and the rest of the world thinks it’s so crazy it must be a fake news channel. Just… don’t watch it.

7) Canadian identity no longer means white-anglophone or white-francophone (not that it ever really did… First Nations, anyone?). If you still think it does, you are welcome to move to the States where you can watch Fox News with the rest of the crazies, and complain about those dang Mexicans working hard to hold up the fragile US economy.

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